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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

How to not be angry...

I've spent the last few months in various stages of anger... I've come to terms (sort of) with my impending divorce and how it's made me feel, etc. But, that's not what I'm going to write about today...

I've spent the better part of this day in various stages of anger... from irritated to frustrated to almost blind rage... Yep, I had it all today (aren't I lucky)... It started with a nice thing we like to call a winter storm... (I am so over the concept of winter, by the way).

I got up early as I had agreed to pick up a coworker from the automotive maintenance shop. I went to start my car so it would warm up and kind of thaw out before I left. While I was outside, the guy who plows our driveway was here. I started my car and proceeded to clear the snow from it so I could move the car (and he could clear my spot). As soon as I was done with my car, apparently so was he... grumble grumble... That meant that I had 6 inches of snow directly around my car (as he had done the rest of the driveway).

Before leaving my house, I broke ice off my wipers 3 times so that they would work properly... Which didn't work... While driving, I had to stoop low in my seat so I could see out of the clear part of the windshield (the bottom 4 inches)...

Then, on my way to pick up my coworker, it was school-zone traffic time on the main road to my neighborhood. I planned ahead and took the road that leads to a traffic light (rather than a stop sign), but I still had to sit in slow moving traffic for quite a while (there went my plan of picking up breakfast at McD's).

I got to the shop a little ahead of my coworker and, seeing that I had a bit of time and the parking lot for the shop was full, I parked in the lot across the street, which belongs to a Salvation Army-type store. I proceeded yet again to break the ice off my wiper blades. I finally got the one on the driver side of the car to work better than before (but still not quite perfect)... The one on the passenger side was just along for the ride.

I saw my coworker pull up, so I moved over to the shop's lot, assuming that all she needed to do was drop off the car and we'd be on our way... Nope! She had to go inside and wait in line, all the while I was blocking the flow of traffic in the parking lot (primarily because there was no place to park). I moved back over to the lot across the street, where they proceeded to give me the evil eye... So, I decided to basically park in the street with my hazard lights on... My coworker was in the shop for almost 15 minutes, basically due to incompetence on the shop's part... grumble grumble grumble...

Did I mention that this was at a time of day where the lighting was "just right" and you couldn't tell what had been plowed and what hadn't? (no shadows) Yep... The drive in to the office was "fun"...

My morning at the office was uneventful, for the most part. I got online to check my school forum and see if any of my teammates had posted comments about our paper that I was to compile and post last night (but didn't because a couple of the parts were poorly written - so poorly written that I had no idea what they were trying to say so that I could rewrite it in a way that made sense in the paper). No responses...

At lunch time, I had to venture out to get some dog food for Noni. Road conditions had not really improved from that morning... I had to break ice off my wipers again. I decided to get lunch at McD's (since I got screwed out of my breakfast) and I ended up getting stuck in the snow at the first window... Yep, I really hate winter... Got going again and headed back to the office, where my straw for my drink fell between the passenger door and the passenger seat... grumble, grumble, grrrr....

The afternoon passed almost as uneventfully... I got online yet again to check the comments from my team on the unfinished paper... Still nothing...

The drive home was no better than the morning... It snowed throughout the day, so city maintenance crews had difficulty keeping up... The road into my neighborhood was still pretty sloppy... I pulled into the driveway to see that the snow plow guy hadn't been back to get the snow that accrued from the day. This meant another 4 inches of snow on top of the 6 that was left around my car... I got out so I could shovel the excess around my car spot away... I ended up pinching a nerve in my low back which shot pain down my legs... I stopped shoveling as soon as I got around the first half of the car... I remembered to pull my wipers AWAY from the window after I parked in my spot (after cleaning more ice off them... seriously, what's with the rapid ice formation on wiper blades today?)...

I got inside and turned on my computer to check, yet again, if team members had posted anything... Nope... Nada... argghhh...

I posted a rather passive-aggressive message that I would submit the paper "as-is" and "the grade we get is the grade we get"... I also sent a note to the instructor following up on my message from last night explaining the delay in posting the paper... By this time, one of the "absent" team members proceeded to read me the riot act because she had never submitted a paper late before and I should have called her so she could submit "her" portion directly for grading (Ironically, her portion was one of the ones I had issues with... I haven't directly pointed that out to her, but if she reviewed the draft I posted for review, she would have seen that her entire contribution was highlighted)... It was basically a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation... If I had posted the poorly drafted paper for grading on the day it was due, and we got marked down for the quality of the paper, I would have been given the riot act for not allowing the group to review the draft before posting for grading... There was no "good" option in this scenario...

By this point, I'm really peeved...

Then, my roommate comes home with her 7-year-old boy... Who (unknowingly) is doing everything in his power to annoy the crap out of me... From the high-pitched cry of his mothers name, to his laugh, to his chatter about his school day... Also at this point, even Noni is pissing me off...

Now, after all the experiences of the day had built up to a time bomb waiting to explode... I was so stuck in my stories about the day that I could hardly think straight... My heart was racing, I was shaking (like I needed to eat, but I didn't because I had just eaten), and I could not find a nice word to say about anyone or anything... I had to close myself in my room so I wouldn't lash out at the boy...

So, why did I title this post with "How not to be angry" when all I've done is write about "How to be angry"? Bear with me...

A couple of years ago, before I got my "iPod" icon figured out on my phone and I needed to listen to "something" while doing homework at the library, I had downloaded a podcast for meditation. I found it helpful to focus my thoughts while doing homework... There were about 8 of them each lasting around an hour. I felt like I needed a bit of focus to get over my anger issues today, so I grabbed my phone and opened my "iPod" icon to listen to the podcast... It wasn't there... I couldn't find it anywhere! I logically assumed that, since I got a new phone and a new computer where my iTunes stuff is held, that I would need to re-download the podcast... Stupid Apple changed the format so now podcasts only work in their own "podcast" icon... Which I couldn't get to install on my iPhone... Reviews for the app complain of bugs that cause things to not download or not install... I was getting more and more incensed by the minute!

Finally, I said "screw it" and I started looking for a meditation album on iTunes to listen on my iPod  I found one (eventually) that was 18 minutes long. Most of the "songs" are 1-4 minutes (How are you supposed to meditate in that short amount of time?). I downloaded the long song and played it as soon as it downloaded...

I sat myself on my bed and drew my legs up in a comfortable seating position. I let my arms rest on my knees... I focused on my breathing... I let my mind clear...

I didn't need the full 18 minute track to relax and calm down... About 10 minutes did it... I wasn't shaking... My heart beat was normal... I no longer wanted to throw my dog through a window... I could stand the boy's presence and no longer wanted to strangle him...

After my meditation session, I was able to complete my own assignment that had been put to the wayside in favor of the team effort. I felt energized enough to stay up late to get caught up on reading my text books... All in all, meditation worked like a RESET button allowing me to focus in many areas of my life... I definitely must remember to take a break and meditate when I start feeling overwhelmed and stressed and irritated... Maybe then, I won't get so angry...

So, that is how to NOT be angry...

(By the way... the city snow plow guys came to do our street around 9 PM... leaving a 3 foot berm at the entrance to our driveway... the morning should be another "fun" one... I'll need to bring my earbuds so I can listen to my meditation track when I get to work... maybe start the day out on a better note than today)